Grief

Hi everyone. Happy Holidays! Sorry that I didn't post on my usual day, I was having a problem with my eating disorder. My mindset on christmas was pro anorexia, and that is not the mindset I need to have in recovery. I didn’t want to influence anyone negatively, so I decided it was best not to post. 

Anyways, I am thinking more recovery focused now, and I haven’t given in to my eating disorder. I also haven’t self harmed, or had another suicide attempt. Even though I am doing great for the most part, there is something that has and will probably always be hard for me to deal with. In my lifetime, (17 years), I have had two major deaths. One was my father, due to cancer, and the other was a good friend of mine, who was killed in a car accident last October. After my friends death, I became very depressed, and felt his and my dads death all at once. I have been radically accepting it for a while now, but yesterday I thought about it on a bike ride. I wrote this poem about my father when I was missing him a lot:

12 Years

A happy family,

A home filled with love, 

Suddenly torn apart,

Broken, broken like my heart, 

I sat with you through it all, 

The hand of a 5 year old wraps around yours,

Just one last breath,

Just one last beat, 

You're gone and will never be back,

One more innocent life is taken away, 

You didn't deserve it, 

All the pain and suffering,

They say you're in a better place,

They say it gets easier.

12 years later and that’s not the case,

It’s just 12 more years of missing you,

Of crying at night, 

Of fatherless Father’s Days,

Days filled with fake smiles,

Days of saying “I’m Fine”,

Days of looking at my strong mom,

Hearing the jingle of the wedding ring hanging around her neck,

12 years and I still can’t believe,

Just one last breath, 

Just one last beat,

And you're gone.

I still struggle with flashbacks and nightmares due to their deaths, but I have ways to cope, that are healthy. Writing poetry is one of them. I will try and put up another post on Sunday, but I hope every one has a happy and healthy New Years!

Stay Strong

Life is Hard.

Hey everyone. Sorry about the lack of posting these past few weeks. It has been really hard in some ways, and some things have happened. My eating disorder has been a problem for me lately, and I have given into it more than once. It is doing better now, but I still am struggling with it. I also just recently had another suicide attempt. It was hard to finally tell someone about it, but when I did, I felt a lot better getting it off my chest. I started cutting again, which has been a struggle for me to quit for quite some time. Like I have mentioned before, self harm does increase the chances that a person would commit or attempt suicide, and so far, that has proven right for me twice. 

To stop the chances of that happening again, I did something today that I am proud of. I put what I was using to cut with in my moms room, and sent her a text telling her that I was sorry, and that I had been cutting. I told her that I left my tool next to her bed. It took me some time to send that message, because not only was I so attached to my “weapon” but I was scared that my mom would be mad at me. But she wasn’t. She told me that she loved me and that she was sorry. 

To all those out there who are scared to tell someone about self harm, depression, or anything else, just remember that people are on your side and are there to help you, not hurt you. It took and still has taken me quite a lot of convincing that that is the case, but it is true. The best thing you can do for yourself is to be honest.

Life is hard. It has thrown so many obstacles in my way, and I have yet to get through many of them. I’m not going to lie, sometimes I wish that I could escape it all, and sometimes I wish I didn’t wake up, but I am trying. I will keep fighting, with the hope that maybe one day life will get slightly easier. 

Stay Strong.

Bad News

Hey guys. I have some bad and disappointing news to tell you all. I ended up breaking my 147th day clean from any eating disorder behaviors. It was a hard eating disorder day yesterday, and my anorexia beat me up so badly that I acted on a behavior. I am terribly sorry, and very ashamed.

As I sit here the next day writing this post, I have thought about what it was like when I was deep in my eating disorder back in the February. 

It was such a scary time  not only for me, but for my whole family. My sisters would nervously wait around for me when I got out from my weekly labs hoping that my counts would go up back to a healthy range, and that my organs wouldn't fail on me. I remember the day when I was officially diagnosed with Anorexia. I was at my yearly check up, which went down hill rapidly as my doctor showed my mom my growth chart, and told her what would happen to my body if I kept on doing what I was doing to myself. I realize that that is not what I want. I don’t want to go back to that. Going back to that would jeopardize so much. I would lose all the hard work Ive done over the past 9 months. I wouldn't be able to go to college next year, and I would lose trust that I’ve been trying to earn back for a long time. 

I have realized that recovery is not an easy road, and you will approach bumps, like I did yesterday. But that doesn't mean you should just give in and stop fighting. Just look how far you have come and remind yourself that you are so much stronger than this. It is okay to mess up in life, but it is NOT okay to give up. I refuse to give up, and I will not let this eating disorder control me again. I am going to come out a winner in this war, because I am a fighter and my anorexia is not going to control me.

Know that I am truly sorry, and I am doing all I can to prevent this from happening again.

Stay Strong

Waging War

Hi, I hope everyone’s weekend is going smoothly. My week has been pretty boring, filled with therapy and schoolwork. I did, however, visit High Point University yesterday which was great. I have visited it before and I love it. It was so exciting to actually walk around the campus where I will be living next year!

I have been writing poems ever since I was diagnosed with anorexia in February. I find that it has been a great way to help me express how I am feeling to other people, and my treatment team because I have a hard time saying how I feel. Before my last hospitalization, I struggled a lot with both suicidality and self harm. My therapist told me when I relapsed in self harm, that I had a greater chance of turning to suicide again. I didn't believe her, because at that time, I didn't really think much about suicide. I told her that I didn't  want to stop and that even if I tried, I was too attached to my weapon. This is a poem I wrote right before I was hospitalized:

I’m in a War

I am in a war. 

The war is with myself. I’m shooting back and forth.

 A Knife fight with only one winner.

 A Knife, held in my broken hands, as I sit in the corner of the world.

My world is dark. I am lost in a state of despondency with no way but down.

I am in a war. 

The battle wounds are written on my wrists, reading the words “help me”

Help me get out of here.

Out of this cave where the only thing that echoes are my screams.

Screams, which are never heard because I'm too busy hiding my scars.

Scars which remind me of my past and the only thing that keeps it alive is that blade.

I shake in fear of the casualties, not knowing where to run next.

Running, my mind moves expeditiously, chased by nightmares that hide in my closet of

 Chaos.

It’s chaos but I can’t stop. I don't want to let go. 

I’m too attached to my weapon. 

I’m losing the battle yet I won’t surrender, for the pain I feel is leading me to the edge,

The edge of the cliff where all that’s left standing is a shadow.

It’s an ominous figure holding its arms out for me, saying “I’m here for you”.

But it’s lying.

Every time I embrace my friend it turns on me.

I feel ashamed, and am tired of the blankets covering the pain I inflict.

There is no escape, except from that moment of time,

Where my hands are the only thing comforting me and my scars are my reminder that I am in a war.

I am in a war and there will be no winners.

For the only fighters are myself and my past.

Past the monsters I’m walking faster and faster,

Moving is the only thing keeping me alive.

Alive from the knife being thrown in my back.

My shadow is killing me. 

It leaves me lifeless in the raging fire. 

I lay there, still holding onto the only thing I have left.

I am in a war.

For awhile I was very stubborn. I didn't want to let go of what I thought was the only thing I had left. I thought that a weapon used to inflict pain on myself was my friend. I thought it was there for me but at the same time I hated it so much. It was tearing my family and friends apart for all they could do was watch as an innocent soul cut until she couldn't take it anymore. But my fifth hospitalization was a wake up call for me. I thought about every thing that I was missing out on while I was trapped in a building. And it was all for what? 

For the sense of control that I never got. I am still in a war, but I am fighting every single day for my life, and I will not let that ominous figure control my life anymore.

Have a great week.

Stay strong.

Life is Beautiful

Hi, I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. My Thanksgiving went a lot better than I had anticipated. I didn't act on any urges and I stayed calm throughout the day, using my skills. The hardest part for me about Thanksgiving this year was the dress I was wearing. It was kind of a tight fitting dress, and I felt extremely body conscious the whole time I was wearing it. I used a lot of distraction and wise mind to get through it. I also kept telling my anorexia to shut up when it tried to call me names. Overall though, it went well, and I had a great time with my family. I have a lot to be thankful for this year. 

I have had a really exciting week. I heard back from my dream school, High Point University on Monday. I was so nervous on Sunday and had a very hard time sleeping knowing that I was going to find out whether or not I got in. Just as Monday was drawing to a close, I was wondering as to why I hadn't gotten any news yet. I expected the worst, until my mom called me downstairs and showed me the acceptance email. My heart skipped a beat, and I teared up a little. I was and am still over the moon about the acceptance. I went to visit it last December and knew from the minute I walked onto the campus, that this is where I was meant to go. I didn't want to go anywhere else, and I didn't apply anywhere else. I got my actual letter on Friday night, and found out that I had gotten a $20,000 scholarship also. I could not believe it, and I am so grateful and happy for it.

After 5 inpatients, 1 residential treatment center and a partial program all within the past 9 months, I never would have thought that I would be going to college. To be honest, I didn't picture myself being alive for college. I remember the night I attempted suicide, when I wrote my suicide letter. As tears flowed through my eyes, I couldn't imagine that I would be sitting here today alive and happier than ever. 

People used to always tell me something which I never believed. They would tell me that things would get better.  I would look around in my most depressed days and see happy people, enjoying their lives. I wanted what they had. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to know that things would be okay. But when people told me that statement, I just didn't believe them. “How do you know things will get better, when I’ve had such a traumatic past?” I would ask, and yet they still told me that it does get better. I haven't believed them until now. And to all of you out there who are struggling, IT DOES GET BETTER. It’s okay if you don't believe me, but you should at least give the idea of things getting better, a chance. One of my favorite songs is “Invisible” by Hunter Hayes. I can really connect with some of the lyrics in my own way. Here are some words from the song that have spoken truth to me:

“Hear me out, there's so much more to life than what you're feeling now

Yeah, someday you'll look back on all these days and all this pain is gonna be invisible”

There is a lot more to life than what you are feeling now, just stick around to find it out, because life is beautiful.

Stay Strong

How to Handle Thanksgiving

Hey everyone! I hope your week went well. I spent my week job hunting (fail), biking, going to therapy, and doing school work. I am writing a novel right now for class, and it will hopefully be published within the next year or two. It is about the past 8 months of my life, and my journey through it all.

Since Thanksgiving is right around the corner, today I want to talk about how I am going to get through it, and give a few tips. So to be honest, I am a little worried about Thanksgiving as a recovering anorexic. I currently have 134 days without any eating disorder behavior, and although I haven’t acted on behaviors, I am still haunted by thoughts. I am haunted by memories from the past when I was knee deep in my eating disorder. I would sit at the table crying because I couldn't eat and because I was being bullied by my anorexia. I sat there crying because my mom and I would fight about how sick I looked. I remember one time my sisters made Chocolate Chip Cookies and I locked myself in my room and cried because I couldn't even eat a cookie. I was so frustrated with my eating disorder, and I just wanted it to be over. It was a terrible experience, and I hated every minute of living with my anorexia.

The eating part was the easiest part to break. The behaviors were the first to go, while the thoughts are still sometimes with me. I think that even though Thanksgiving may seem a little overwhelming , I have the power to make it a positive experience. I also struggle with anxiety around loud noises and a lot of people, so I decided that I would try to help others out by giving some tips on how to get through this Thanksgiving…and not act on urges.

Take a break- if you are around a large group of people, or have a challenging meal in front of you, excuse yourself from the table and take a few deep breaths. Tell yourself that you are strong enough to get through this.

Acceptance- use some radical acceptance to accept the fact that people can’t change how they act, and in that moment you can’t change what is happening with the people around you. You can’t change the fact that it’s Thanksgiving, but you can change how you act in the situation.

Shut it out- if you know that Thanksgiving is going to be hard for you and your eating disorder, before the day starts, close your eyes. Imagine putting your eating disorder in a steel box. You lock it up and imagine throwing the key away. You put the box on a shelve and you do not open it up. If this doesn't work, and at the table your eating disorder starts to call you names, just tell it to shut up.

I hope that this is some help, and that it can be used if needed, on Thursday. I want you all to take a moment and think about what you are thankful for this year. I am thankful for my health, my friends and my family. I wish everyone a wonderful Thanksgiving.

Stay Strong

33 Days

Hey everyone, I hope your week went well. My thoughts and prayers go out to all those impacted by what is happening in Paris. My week had a few ups and downs, as I mentioned in my most recent post. I’d say my week was very skillful, and i’m glad that people are finding my DBT lesson helpful. I have had to find new ways of clearing my mind besides running, due to a foot problem. Instead, I have been crocheting a lot. Back at a Timberline Knolls, crocheting was what everyone did. We would lug our blankets that we were crocheting around everywhere. In groups, instead of telling us to put away our phones (we were not allowed to have phones at the facility), they would tell us to put our crochet stuff away. Besides holding a frozen orange, crocheting for me is the next best thing when it comes to self harm urges, which is what I am writing about today.

Self harm was probably one of the hardest habits for me to break. I have struggled with self harm since April, when I was in the Partial Hospitalization Program for my anorexia. So you are probably wondering why people would do things like harming themselves. Well, for me it was a sense of control. Before that, my anorexia was what I controlled, with how much I ate, and exercised. When I entered treatment, all that control was taken away from me. I was gaining weight at a rate and amount that I couldn't control, I wasn't allowed to exercise, and I couldn't choose what I ate. So with the control taken away from me, I desperately searched for other ways to have control, and I started cutting. It was a way for me to control what happened to my body, the amount of pain I felt, and it was also a way to punish myself for eating.

So the self harm went on and off for a while, and I stopped for a few weeks when I got back home from Timberline Knolls. The first time that I cut once I got back home, was on the first day of school. I hadn't been to school in months due to my illness, and once I got there, I was not prepared for the stress that I faced when I walked in. There were so many people, and my anxiety had spiked. So after school I ended up cutting, leading a call to 911, and an EMS. All in all, it was a bad day to say the least. 

Moving on from that, I want to share with you all something I did Thursday which I am very proud of. I have had some self harm urges recently, and I am currently at 33 days clean of self harm. For me, and for many others struggling with self harm, it can be very addictive. Based on my past with self harm, I knew that “just one more time” would be a lie. When I was active in self harm while I was home, I would hide tools to cut with in places around the house. Now I am not going to talk about what they were, because that is not the point and I don’t want to trigger anyone. But on Thursday night, when I felt the urge to cut, I thought about my sobriety and I knew that I didn't want to mess up. What I decided to do was in my power. So, instead of cutting that night, I gathered all of what I used to cut with that I hid, and threw it away. I feel so much better about it now knowing that I don’t have any temptations.

I hope that my actions could possibly help someone else struggling with self harm to take that step like I did. You all are worth so much more than what you are doing to yourselves. I’m so grateful for everyone who is supporting me writing this blog, and who have been there for me. 

I hope you all have a fun filled week, 

Stay Strong