33 Days

Hey everyone, I hope your week went well. My thoughts and prayers go out to all those impacted by what is happening in Paris. My week had a few ups and downs, as I mentioned in my most recent post. I’d say my week was very skillful, and i’m glad that people are finding my DBT lesson helpful. I have had to find new ways of clearing my mind besides running, due to a foot problem. Instead, I have been crocheting a lot. Back at a Timberline Knolls, crocheting was what everyone did. We would lug our blankets that we were crocheting around everywhere. In groups, instead of telling us to put away our phones (we were not allowed to have phones at the facility), they would tell us to put our crochet stuff away. Besides holding a frozen orange, crocheting for me is the next best thing when it comes to self harm urges, which is what I am writing about today.

Self harm was probably one of the hardest habits for me to break. I have struggled with self harm since April, when I was in the Partial Hospitalization Program for my anorexia. So you are probably wondering why people would do things like harming themselves. Well, for me it was a sense of control. Before that, my anorexia was what I controlled, with how much I ate, and exercised. When I entered treatment, all that control was taken away from me. I was gaining weight at a rate and amount that I couldn't control, I wasn't allowed to exercise, and I couldn't choose what I ate. So with the control taken away from me, I desperately searched for other ways to have control, and I started cutting. It was a way for me to control what happened to my body, the amount of pain I felt, and it was also a way to punish myself for eating.

So the self harm went on and off for a while, and I stopped for a few weeks when I got back home from Timberline Knolls. The first time that I cut once I got back home, was on the first day of school. I hadn't been to school in months due to my illness, and once I got there, I was not prepared for the stress that I faced when I walked in. There were so many people, and my anxiety had spiked. So after school I ended up cutting, leading a call to 911, and an EMS. All in all, it was a bad day to say the least. 

Moving on from that, I want to share with you all something I did Thursday which I am very proud of. I have had some self harm urges recently, and I am currently at 33 days clean of self harm. For me, and for many others struggling with self harm, it can be very addictive. Based on my past with self harm, I knew that “just one more time” would be a lie. When I was active in self harm while I was home, I would hide tools to cut with in places around the house. Now I am not going to talk about what they were, because that is not the point and I don’t want to trigger anyone. But on Thursday night, when I felt the urge to cut, I thought about my sobriety and I knew that I didn't want to mess up. What I decided to do was in my power. So, instead of cutting that night, I gathered all of what I used to cut with that I hid, and threw it away. I feel so much better about it now knowing that I don’t have any temptations.

I hope that my actions could possibly help someone else struggling with self harm to take that step like I did. You all are worth so much more than what you are doing to yourselves. I’m so grateful for everyone who is supporting me writing this blog, and who have been there for me. 

I hope you all have a fun filled week, 

Stay Strong