I Hate Mirrors

Hi everyone, I hope you all had a great week. My week was okay, I have had some ups and downs but I’m trying to push through.  I had therapy, ran, and finished my application to High Point University. Highpoint is my number one choice for college, and it is my dream school. I originally wanted to go there because of the amazing interior design program, but I am not quite sure what I want to do anymore, possibly something relating to psychology.

So todays’ post is going to be about one of my least favorite things…mirrors. I can’t express enough just how much I hate mirrors. When you have an eating disorder, your best friend is your ed.  In my case, my best friend was my anorexia. Our relationship was a love-hate relationship. Standing in front of a mirror, my anorexia would tell me “ Wow. Good job, you are so special. Everyone saw how skinny you were at school today.” Yet, when I would step on the scale and didn't lose as much weight as I thought I would, it would say “You are a failure. You can barely lose a pound. You don't deserve anything. Go sit in your room for the rest of the day and hate yourself.” It was not until later that I learned that my eating disorder and I are not friends. Anyways, I think mirrors are absolutely useless, unless they are used to see if there is any food in your teeth. Other than that, they are liars and judgers, and only bring those looking at them down. But a mirror doesn't show the real person. No, a mirror is there to call a person names. It doesn't show the amazing qualities that a person has. Trust me, I learned the hard way. So, I decided to write a poem about it:

Mirror

A single mirror stands in the corner of a dark room.

Its victim stands before it.

Salty tears run down her face.

Tears, which never had the courage to stay and see,

just how ugly that mirror would be. 

The reflection is a lie.

Lying through its teeth it calls her names.

“You are fat”

“You are disgusting”

“No one loves you”

“Go kill yourself.”

The girl was oblivious to reality,

Her mind destroyed by the games of a reflection.

A reflection which has ruined her life.

A life which used to be worth living.

She looks at the enemy,

Her battle wounds show on her wrists,

They tell the stories from the struggle lost.

She doesn't realize that she is losing it.

Losing her family, 

Her friends, 

Her mindset.

She is losing it all to this damn mirror. 

A mirror, 

Causing her to starve herself for days.

A mirror,

Causing her a depressed state of mind.

A mirror, 

Causing an orange bottle to be held in her cold boney hands.

A mirror,

Leaving a girl writing a suicide note.

A mirror, 

Which doesn't care how many lives it takes.

To itself, its a hero.

Standing triumphantly,

in the corner of the dark room,

The fallen, lies before it.

I wrote this poem when I started to see my anorexia as my enemy. I was so tired from my eating disorder, and to be honest, I was just tired of trying in general. Everyone would tell me to keep pushing through and that I could do this but the second I looked in the mirror all I thought was wow, “You are so worthless. Any one who tells you that you are strong and capable is a liar. You are a burden and you are unimportant.” Yes, I was the girl in the mirror. I wrote this poem in the darkest days of depression. Yes, I am a suicide attempt survivor.  

I am still trying, and I have my bad days. I still struggle with suicidal thoughts, but I have learned ways to control the urges. Some nights I lay in bed haunted by the past, and have a hard time believing that things will be okay. I still don’t know if things will be okay, but what I do know is this. I am worth it. I am strong. I am capable. I am not what is in the mirror.

I hope everyone has a wonderful week.

Stay strong.