Grief

Hi everyone. Happy Holidays! Sorry that I didn't post on my usual day, I was having a problem with my eating disorder. My mindset on christmas was pro anorexia, and that is not the mindset I need to have in recovery. I didn’t want to influence anyone negatively, so I decided it was best not to post. 

Anyways, I am thinking more recovery focused now, and I haven’t given in to my eating disorder. I also haven’t self harmed, or had another suicide attempt. Even though I am doing great for the most part, there is something that has and will probably always be hard for me to deal with. In my lifetime, (17 years), I have had two major deaths. One was my father, due to cancer, and the other was a good friend of mine, who was killed in a car accident last October. After my friends death, I became very depressed, and felt his and my dads death all at once. I have been radically accepting it for a while now, but yesterday I thought about it on a bike ride. I wrote this poem about my father when I was missing him a lot:

12 Years

A happy family,

A home filled with love, 

Suddenly torn apart,

Broken, broken like my heart, 

I sat with you through it all, 

The hand of a 5 year old wraps around yours,

Just one last breath,

Just one last beat, 

You're gone and will never be back,

One more innocent life is taken away, 

You didn't deserve it, 

All the pain and suffering,

They say you're in a better place,

They say it gets easier.

12 years later and that’s not the case,

It’s just 12 more years of missing you,

Of crying at night, 

Of fatherless Father’s Days,

Days filled with fake smiles,

Days of saying “I’m Fine”,

Days of looking at my strong mom,

Hearing the jingle of the wedding ring hanging around her neck,

12 years and I still can’t believe,

Just one last breath, 

Just one last beat,

And you're gone.

I still struggle with flashbacks and nightmares due to their deaths, but I have ways to cope, that are healthy. Writing poetry is one of them. I will try and put up another post on Sunday, but I hope every one has a happy and healthy New Years!

Stay Strong