Hey guys. I have some bad and disappointing news to tell you all. I ended up breaking my 147th day clean from any eating disorder behaviors. It was a hard eating disorder day yesterday, and my anorexia beat me up so badly that I acted on a behavior. I am terribly sorry, and very ashamed.
As I sit here the next day writing this post, I have thought about what it was like when I was deep in my eating disorder back in the February.
It was such a scary time not only for me, but for my whole family. My sisters would nervously wait around for me when I got out from my weekly labs hoping that my counts would go up back to a healthy range, and that my organs wouldn't fail on me. I remember the day when I was officially diagnosed with Anorexia. I was at my yearly check up, which went down hill rapidly as my doctor showed my mom my growth chart, and told her what would happen to my body if I kept on doing what I was doing to myself. I realize that that is not what I want. I don’t want to go back to that. Going back to that would jeopardize so much. I would lose all the hard work Ive done over the past 9 months. I wouldn't be able to go to college next year, and I would lose trust that I’ve been trying to earn back for a long time.
I have realized that recovery is not an easy road, and you will approach bumps, like I did yesterday. But that doesn't mean you should just give in and stop fighting. Just look how far you have come and remind yourself that you are so much stronger than this. It is okay to mess up in life, but it is NOT okay to give up. I refuse to give up, and I will not let this eating disorder control me again. I am going to come out a winner in this war, because I am a fighter and my anorexia is not going to control me.
Know that I am truly sorry, and I am doing all I can to prevent this from happening again.
Stay Strong
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