Life is Beautiful

Hi, I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. My Thanksgiving went a lot better than I had anticipated. I didn't act on any urges and I stayed calm throughout the day, using my skills. The hardest part for me about Thanksgiving this year was the dress I was wearing. It was kind of a tight fitting dress, and I felt extremely body conscious the whole time I was wearing it. I used a lot of distraction and wise mind to get through it. I also kept telling my anorexia to shut up when it tried to call me names. Overall though, it went well, and I had a great time with my family. I have a lot to be thankful for this year. 

I have had a really exciting week. I heard back from my dream school, High Point University on Monday. I was so nervous on Sunday and had a very hard time sleeping knowing that I was going to find out whether or not I got in. Just as Monday was drawing to a close, I was wondering as to why I hadn't gotten any news yet. I expected the worst, until my mom called me downstairs and showed me the acceptance email. My heart skipped a beat, and I teared up a little. I was and am still over the moon about the acceptance. I went to visit it last December and knew from the minute I walked onto the campus, that this is where I was meant to go. I didn't want to go anywhere else, and I didn't apply anywhere else. I got my actual letter on Friday night, and found out that I had gotten a $20,000 scholarship also. I could not believe it, and I am so grateful and happy for it.

After 5 inpatients, 1 residential treatment center and a partial program all within the past 9 months, I never would have thought that I would be going to college. To be honest, I didn't picture myself being alive for college. I remember the night I attempted suicide, when I wrote my suicide letter. As tears flowed through my eyes, I couldn't imagine that I would be sitting here today alive and happier than ever. 

People used to always tell me something which I never believed. They would tell me that things would get better.  I would look around in my most depressed days and see happy people, enjoying their lives. I wanted what they had. I wanted to be happy. I wanted to know that things would be okay. But when people told me that statement, I just didn't believe them. “How do you know things will get better, when I’ve had such a traumatic past?” I would ask, and yet they still told me that it does get better. I haven't believed them until now. And to all of you out there who are struggling, IT DOES GET BETTER. It’s okay if you don't believe me, but you should at least give the idea of things getting better, a chance. One of my favorite songs is “Invisible” by Hunter Hayes. I can really connect with some of the lyrics in my own way. Here are some words from the song that have spoken truth to me:

“Hear me out, there's so much more to life than what you're feeling now

Yeah, someday you'll look back on all these days and all this pain is gonna be invisible”

There is a lot more to life than what you are feeling now, just stick around to find it out, because life is beautiful.

Stay Strong

How to Handle Thanksgiving

Hey everyone! I hope your week went well. I spent my week job hunting (fail), biking, going to therapy, and doing school work. I am writing a novel right now for class, and it will hopefully be published within the next year or two. It is about the past 8 months of my life, and my journey through it all.

Since Thanksgiving is right around the corner, today I want to talk about how I am going to get through it, and give a few tips. So to be honest, I am a little worried about Thanksgiving as a recovering anorexic. I currently have 134 days without any eating disorder behavior, and although I haven’t acted on behaviors, I am still haunted by thoughts. I am haunted by memories from the past when I was knee deep in my eating disorder. I would sit at the table crying because I couldn't eat and because I was being bullied by my anorexia. I sat there crying because my mom and I would fight about how sick I looked. I remember one time my sisters made Chocolate Chip Cookies and I locked myself in my room and cried because I couldn't even eat a cookie. I was so frustrated with my eating disorder, and I just wanted it to be over. It was a terrible experience, and I hated every minute of living with my anorexia.

The eating part was the easiest part to break. The behaviors were the first to go, while the thoughts are still sometimes with me. I think that even though Thanksgiving may seem a little overwhelming , I have the power to make it a positive experience. I also struggle with anxiety around loud noises and a lot of people, so I decided that I would try to help others out by giving some tips on how to get through this Thanksgiving…and not act on urges.

Take a break- if you are around a large group of people, or have a challenging meal in front of you, excuse yourself from the table and take a few deep breaths. Tell yourself that you are strong enough to get through this.

Acceptance- use some radical acceptance to accept the fact that people can’t change how they act, and in that moment you can’t change what is happening with the people around you. You can’t change the fact that it’s Thanksgiving, but you can change how you act in the situation.

Shut it out- if you know that Thanksgiving is going to be hard for you and your eating disorder, before the day starts, close your eyes. Imagine putting your eating disorder in a steel box. You lock it up and imagine throwing the key away. You put the box on a shelve and you do not open it up. If this doesn't work, and at the table your eating disorder starts to call you names, just tell it to shut up.

I hope that this is some help, and that it can be used if needed, on Thursday. I want you all to take a moment and think about what you are thankful for this year. I am thankful for my health, my friends and my family. I wish everyone a wonderful Thanksgiving.

Stay Strong

33 Days

Hey everyone, I hope your week went well. My thoughts and prayers go out to all those impacted by what is happening in Paris. My week had a few ups and downs, as I mentioned in my most recent post. I’d say my week was very skillful, and i’m glad that people are finding my DBT lesson helpful. I have had to find new ways of clearing my mind besides running, due to a foot problem. Instead, I have been crocheting a lot. Back at a Timberline Knolls, crocheting was what everyone did. We would lug our blankets that we were crocheting around everywhere. In groups, instead of telling us to put away our phones (we were not allowed to have phones at the facility), they would tell us to put our crochet stuff away. Besides holding a frozen orange, crocheting for me is the next best thing when it comes to self harm urges, which is what I am writing about today.

Self harm was probably one of the hardest habits for me to break. I have struggled with self harm since April, when I was in the Partial Hospitalization Program for my anorexia. So you are probably wondering why people would do things like harming themselves. Well, for me it was a sense of control. Before that, my anorexia was what I controlled, with how much I ate, and exercised. When I entered treatment, all that control was taken away from me. I was gaining weight at a rate and amount that I couldn't control, I wasn't allowed to exercise, and I couldn't choose what I ate. So with the control taken away from me, I desperately searched for other ways to have control, and I started cutting. It was a way for me to control what happened to my body, the amount of pain I felt, and it was also a way to punish myself for eating.

So the self harm went on and off for a while, and I stopped for a few weeks when I got back home from Timberline Knolls. The first time that I cut once I got back home, was on the first day of school. I hadn't been to school in months due to my illness, and once I got there, I was not prepared for the stress that I faced when I walked in. There were so many people, and my anxiety had spiked. So after school I ended up cutting, leading a call to 911, and an EMS. All in all, it was a bad day to say the least. 

Moving on from that, I want to share with you all something I did Thursday which I am very proud of. I have had some self harm urges recently, and I am currently at 33 days clean of self harm. For me, and for many others struggling with self harm, it can be very addictive. Based on my past with self harm, I knew that “just one more time” would be a lie. When I was active in self harm while I was home, I would hide tools to cut with in places around the house. Now I am not going to talk about what they were, because that is not the point and I don’t want to trigger anyone. But on Thursday night, when I felt the urge to cut, I thought about my sobriety and I knew that I didn't want to mess up. What I decided to do was in my power. So, instead of cutting that night, I gathered all of what I used to cut with that I hid, and threw it away. I feel so much better about it now knowing that I don’t have any temptations.

I hope that my actions could possibly help someone else struggling with self harm to take that step like I did. You all are worth so much more than what you are doing to yourselves. I’m so grateful for everyone who is supporting me writing this blog, and who have been there for me. 

I hope you all have a fun filled week, 

Stay Strong

Use Your DBT Skills

Hey everyone,

So I realize that Wednesday is not my usual day to post, but after some things that have happened, I wanted to write one. 

First of all, Happy Veterans Day! I want to say thanks to all those who have served or are still serving in the armed forces. Your bravery amazes me, and I’m so thankful for all of you. My dad fought in the Vietnam war as a navy officer, so this day is important to me. For the little time that I did know him, (he passed away when I was 5), he was a fighter. 

So these past few days haven’t necessarily been the easiest for me. Overall, I am doing really well eating disorder and self harm wise. Unfortunately, I have been struggling with suicidality. Like I said in my earlier post, I have attempted suicide, and I do struggle with that still. I don’t think about suicide all the time like I used to, but when I do think of it, the thoughts are a lot stronger. Yesterday, for example, I sat in my room and considered taking my own life. Im not going to go into details about what all happened leading up to it, but I will tell you what I did instead of that. As I sat in my room and pondered on my life, I thought about the real reason of why I wanted to end my life. I wanted a way to escape. I knew that killing myself was not going to do good for anyone. I am lucky enough to have a loving family and friends, and a great treatment team. What I did know though,  was that I didn't want to die. I want to continue writing this blog. I want to go to college. I want to help others who are struggling with the same things that I do. Suddenly, the words “use your DBT skills” came into my mind. 

DBT, or Dialectical Behavior Therapy, is an awesome therapy which helps people stop harmful or unhelpful behaviors. It has helped me so much over these past months, and so now i’m going to try to teach some to you. Remember, I am no Marsha Linehan (corny DBT joke), but I will do my best to make this as simple and helpful as possible. Here are a few of my favorite/most helpful skills:

Opposite Action: Basically what it sounds like, you do the opposite of what your emotions are telling you to do. For example, if you had the urge to isolate yourself, you would instead go hang out with friends.

Radical Acceptance: This is my favorite skill, and one of the hardest skills to master. It involves taking a situation, noticing it, and not judging it, but rather accepting it as it is. 

Self Soothe: Things to do which involve using your five senses, like drinking tea, petting a dog, or my most useful self soothe; holding a frozen orange. Yes, a frozen orange. It helps with self harm urges, grounding during flashbacks, and they smell good.

Alright, so these are a few of the things that helped me get through yesterday. I am glad that I didn't choose the option of suicide. I feel a lot better now, and I haven't thought about suicide once today. Sometimes you just have to realize that this will pass, and you will have better days. It is still a struggle and sometimes I have a hard time getting up out of bed, but I am trying.

There is this song that I have been listening to a lot lately, called “Stand By You” by Rachel Platten. I love this song, and you should check it out! It talks about standing by you through all your tough times. I think it is a great recovery focused song, and it portrays a true statement, that I am going to stand by you. 

Okay, so this post is getting a little long, but I just want to end it with a huge thank you. You all are so amazing and I just want to say thanks to all those people who have contacted me and told me that what I am doing is brave and inspiring.  Your support has helped my own recovery in so many ways and I will always be grateful for that. 

Stay Strong.

I Hate Mirrors

Hi everyone, I hope you all had a great week. My week was okay, I have had some ups and downs but I’m trying to push through.  I had therapy, ran, and finished my application to High Point University. Highpoint is my number one choice for college, and it is my dream school. I originally wanted to go there because of the amazing interior design program, but I am not quite sure what I want to do anymore, possibly something relating to psychology.

So todays’ post is going to be about one of my least favorite things…mirrors. I can’t express enough just how much I hate mirrors. When you have an eating disorder, your best friend is your ed.  In my case, my best friend was my anorexia. Our relationship was a love-hate relationship. Standing in front of a mirror, my anorexia would tell me “ Wow. Good job, you are so special. Everyone saw how skinny you were at school today.” Yet, when I would step on the scale and didn't lose as much weight as I thought I would, it would say “You are a failure. You can barely lose a pound. You don't deserve anything. Go sit in your room for the rest of the day and hate yourself.” It was not until later that I learned that my eating disorder and I are not friends. Anyways, I think mirrors are absolutely useless, unless they are used to see if there is any food in your teeth. Other than that, they are liars and judgers, and only bring those looking at them down. But a mirror doesn't show the real person. No, a mirror is there to call a person names. It doesn't show the amazing qualities that a person has. Trust me, I learned the hard way. So, I decided to write a poem about it:

Mirror

A single mirror stands in the corner of a dark room.

Its victim stands before it.

Salty tears run down her face.

Tears, which never had the courage to stay and see,

just how ugly that mirror would be. 

The reflection is a lie.

Lying through its teeth it calls her names.

“You are fat”

“You are disgusting”

“No one loves you”

“Go kill yourself.”

The girl was oblivious to reality,

Her mind destroyed by the games of a reflection.

A reflection which has ruined her life.

A life which used to be worth living.

She looks at the enemy,

Her battle wounds show on her wrists,

They tell the stories from the struggle lost.

She doesn't realize that she is losing it.

Losing her family, 

Her friends, 

Her mindset.

She is losing it all to this damn mirror. 

A mirror, 

Causing her to starve herself for days.

A mirror,

Causing her a depressed state of mind.

A mirror, 

Causing an orange bottle to be held in her cold boney hands.

A mirror,

Leaving a girl writing a suicide note.

A mirror, 

Which doesn't care how many lives it takes.

To itself, its a hero.

Standing triumphantly,

in the corner of the dark room,

The fallen, lies before it.

I wrote this poem when I started to see my anorexia as my enemy. I was so tired from my eating disorder, and to be honest, I was just tired of trying in general. Everyone would tell me to keep pushing through and that I could do this but the second I looked in the mirror all I thought was wow, “You are so worthless. Any one who tells you that you are strong and capable is a liar. You are a burden and you are unimportant.” Yes, I was the girl in the mirror. I wrote this poem in the darkest days of depression. Yes, I am a suicide attempt survivor.  

I am still trying, and I have my bad days. I still struggle with suicidal thoughts, but I have learned ways to control the urges. Some nights I lay in bed haunted by the past, and have a hard time believing that things will be okay. I still don’t know if things will be okay, but what I do know is this. I am worth it. I am strong. I am capable. I am not what is in the mirror.

I hope everyone has a wonderful week.

Stay strong.

Encountering Insensitivity

Happy Sunday!

I hope everyone had an okay week. I spent it at multiple therapy sessions, ran, watched some scary movies of course, and did homework. I went to Defy Gravity with my friend Alex, and passed out candy to the kids in my neighborhood. I started back into my Dialectical Behavior Therapy group, (DBT) which has helped me immensely with suicidal thoughts and self harm. To be honest, I have been feeling kind of down lately, dealing with some bad memories, worries, and a general feeling of being alone.

There is one thing that has really has bugged me since I saw it Tuesday. I was scrolling through Facebook, when I saw that a Halloween costume called “Anna Rexia” was being sold at a certain store. I don’t think I have been that angry and disgusted in a very long time. So, after some research on how to contact the store, I decided to give them a call. Let’s just say the call wasn't what I hoped, and was rather confusing and awkward. They ended up telling me that they were a chain store, and were not the ones who sold the costume. I was not about to give up on this, so I kept on looking. Finally, I found the culprit. I was positive that this place sold it, so I rang them up. No answer. I called again. Still no answer. I left them a message and decided to send them a “kind” email instead. Here is what I sent them:

Hi, I'm Isabel. I am 17 years old and I am currently 108 days in recovery from anorexia. I saw a costume that I found really offensive called “Anna Rexia” that was sold in your stores and I want to tell you how disgusted I am with your store. Anorexia is no joke. Anorexia is a life threatening disease, not some Halloween costume that you go prancing around in. Eating disorders are the number one cause of death of any mental illness, and can also cause those who have it to take their own life. Trust me, I've been through that too. I just wanted to make that clear and tell you that selling that costume is disgraceful. Your store is revolting.

So I still haven’t heard back from them, and I probably won’t, but it felt good to tell them off. Anorexia is serious, and people think it is a decision and can be fixed if you just eat. But it’s much more difficult than that. Anorexia is both a mental and physical illness and should not be taken lightly or as a horrible joke. I was told that my body was going to start to shut down. I saw my own mother cry as she was told that my liver would fail. I would not wish anorexia on my worst enemy, because no one deserves it. I want to become an advocate for mental health, and I will do anything I can to stop the stigma.

I hope everyone has a great week.

Stay Strong