Freshman Orientation

Hey guys!

I am very very very sorry for not having posted in such a long time! Things have just been pretty  busy, and I haven’t been able to find the time. I have been swamped with my online civics and english class, therapy, and school. Not going to lie, it has been very stressful, but I am trying to get through it…so I can graduate, and go to my dream school in August- High Point University!

So I just got back from a one and a half day orientation for the college I am attending in the fall. I fell in love with this college the first time I laid my eyes on it. It is a gorgeous campus, with all sorts of things ranging from fountains, to pools and hot tubs, to classical music that is played around campus. So yesterday, my mom and I made the 1 hour trip up to the school, for the orientation. I was really nervous, because I didn't really know anyone that was going to be there,   and I get a lot of anxiety with many people and loud noises, which both were present throughout my visit there. I guess a lot of the anxiety started when I was in a residential facility, and there were many loud outbursts with a lot of chaos. I managed to get through that obstacle, by using some skills. Taking deep breaths, and stepping away from the crowd for even just a minute, can really help calm the nerves of everything. I like to imagine myself in a place where I feel very happy at, which is at a cabin in California.

The two days (Friday and today) consisted of the following activities:

Friday:

12:30-1:30- check in and passport photo

1:45-2:25- orientation to your major (my major is psychology)

2:35-3:15- student service fair

3:30-4:45- welcome and introduction to the HPU education

5-5:55- small group activities (icebreakers)

6-6:55- dinner

7-8: connecting with my class (more icebreakers…yay)

Saturday:

8-9:30- breakfast

9-10:20- group meeting with success coaches

10:30-11:50- Student 101: preparing for your success in college

There were some optional activities afterwards, including things like campus tours.

After the orientation, I stuck around campus for about an hour to hang out with a friend who is currently attending High Point. She has helped me immensely in the past few months, as she understands a lot of what I have been through. I can’t thank her enough for all that she has done for me. Overall, the orientation was pretty fun, but it was also a little overwhelming. I met so many people, I got to know a lot more about the campus and student life, I found out where I will be living, and I found out my schedule for the fall. I am very excited, and as I look back on the past year, I would have never thought that I would be going to college or frankly, even being here in general. It has been a long and tough journey, but I have been given some amazing opportunities because of it. I am currently writing a memoir, which will be published sometime in May, which is really exciting and something I am proud of!

I hope you have a great rest of your weekend, and I will hopefully post again soon!

Stay strong!

Happy to Be Alive

Hey guys!

Wow, it has been a very long time since I posted last. I have been extremely busy with school, and it has gotten pretty overwhelming. So far, my biggest stressor is in my online Civics class, and I have been really struggling with it and understanding the material.

Other than that, things have been going really well. I have been in a very good mood, and I have been trying to enjoy life as much as possible. I am finally feeling like a normal person, doing normal things like hanging out with friends, spending time with my family, getting back into exercise and doing things that I enjoy. I still have ups and downs, but I am using my DBT skills to cope with those things (flashbacks, eating disorder). Basically, I am trying to live my life to the fullest-because I am very happy to be alive! We all know how much I love to incorporate songs into my blog. The song that I have been listening to a lot recently is “I Lived” by OneRepublic. I believe that this song means that you should actually live, rather than just breathe. Do something spontaneous! Go on an adventure! Try out a new hobby! Life is what you make it, so you should make it great, because you only live once. I feel like I am finally starting to do that with my life. Being close to death with an eating disorder, and having a suicidal past, and now having a healthy mindset has caused me to see things more clearly. I am beyond grateful to be breathing, and I am going to do what I can to make my life as meaningful and memorable as possible.

Lastly, I just wanted to say a huge thank you to all you who are reading my blog, commenting, and showing support! Without you all I may not be able to say that I am happy to be alive. I am amazed by each and everyone of you, and I wanted to share some news: I reached 5,000 views on my blog! Thank you so so much.

Stay Strong!

What Not to Do

Hey guys! I’m so sorry I haven’t posted anything in a while, I have been really busy with schoolwork and therapy appointments. I guess it’s good for me to stay busy, especially when I am feeling upset. It’s a good way to distract yourself, and it's more productive than sitting there in your thoughts.

So today I want to talk about something that has had a major impact on how I chose to carry myself back when I was engulfed in my anorexia. I had been showing symptoms of anorexia since I was about 10 or 11 years old. I didn't know that I was doing anything eating disorder related then, but it was mostly over-exercising due to a competitive jump rope team that I was on. I had a regular school physical last February, and that's when things kind of escalated. This was both due to the way the doctors reacted when they found out my weight, and how I reacted afterwards. 

Due to depression from a friend's death, I stopped eating. When the doctors pulled up my weight chart on the computer, their mouths dropped to the floor. They told me that if I didn't gain X amount of weight in 2 weeks, my organs were going to start failing. We were all freaking out at that point. Then the whole conversation focused on me gaining weight (not something I would advise doctors to do, especially if they are diagnosing a patient with an eating disorder). They then decided that they would switch my medications, to something which they told me had a side effect of weight gain (again, not something I  recommend telling someone). I was mortified, and when I got home I started to google the new medication, and ran into my mom's room crying because I had read an unreliable article talking about the side effects of the medicine (also, not recommended). For the next couple of months, my whole life was weight related. I had weekly weigh ins, and they would let me see the number on the scale (big mistake). Now, I refuse to look at my weight, and we don’t have a scale at home anymore. 

So the purpose of this post is to inform people, from my personal experiences, about what not to do for both healthcare professionals and patients. If you are someone who has been recently diagnosed with an eating disorder, and you have urges to make impulsive decisions, you need to take a step back, and realize that people are there to help, not hurt. To the health care professionals: there is more to an eating disorder than the physical aspects of it. It affects you mentally, and that should be taken into consideration when you are giving a diagnosis.

I hope everyone has a great week, and I will hopefully post on Sunday!

Stay Strong 

Strong

Hi guys! 

I’m sorry I haven’t posted in a while, I have just been super busy with school. I am currently taking 4 online classes, and 2 classes at school, so it has been a little overwhelming for me. I am sure to a lot of people it seems silly that I am complaining about the two classes I take at school, (creative writing and art). It’s just hard to face a whole bunch of people all at once, and to think back to the bad memories I have had at school due to my depression. Friday was especially hard for me, because I had a tough time dealing with a death. But with some radical acceptance, and opposite action for getting up, I was able to face the day and move forwards. It wasn't so bad after all, and I am glad I went in the end.

So I believe I have mentioned this before, but my main goal in life is to help as many people/ inspire as many people as possible. I have already spoken once to my Partial Hospitalization Program (PHP), for Eating Disorders. I really enjoyed doing that, because it’s a step towards my dream, which is to become a motivational speaker. I was talking to my therapist recently, and she asked if I would be interested in speaking to the program again. I said yes, and we are now in the process of filling out some paperwork to make it happen!

Having an eating disorder is very hard. You basically have your own personal bully that follows you around everywhere you go, calling you all sorts of names. It beat me to the point where I started to self harm, I questioned my life, and attempted suicide-more than once. But I am done letting my anorexia ruin my life. I wrote this poem the other day:

I Am Strong

Get out of my life.

Your words broke me.

You were the source of the cuts on my arms,

Of the bottle of pills held in my hands,

You beat me so badly, 

Calling me names,

Yet I have believed them.

Thinner and thinner I got, 

I followed your rules.

You used to control me.

I sat there, 

Salty tears fell from my sunken eyes.

I’ve had enough of you.

I have anorexia but I am not weak,

I am not a slave to my disorder.

So get out of my life, 

For I am done listening to you.

I am going to stand up for myself.

I’m the one calling the shots.

No longer will I hate myself so much.

Get out of my life,

For I may have anorexia,

But I am a survivor,

And I am strong.

The message I want to portray through this post, is that your eating disorder DOES NOT control you. I may have anorexia, but I am strong- and so are you.

Stay strong

Just Words

Hi! I hope every one is enjoying the snow, or at least a day off from school/work! I spent it hanging out with friends, hiking, and building an igloo! I also worked on my online classes, and listened to music. You all know how much I love making references to songs, and a friend told me about another one the other day.

The song is called A Little Too Much by Sean Mendes. Not only do I think he is really cute, but I love this song. Sean sings about a girl who struggles, but manages to get through it and stay strong. Here are some lyrics from the song that I really like:

She would not show that she was afraid,

But being and feeling alone was too much to face,

Though everyone said that she was so strong,

What they didn't know is that she could barely carry on,

But she knew that she would be okay,

So she didn't let it get in her way,

Sometimes it all gets a little too much,

But you gotta realize that soon the fog will clear up,

And you don't have to be afraid, because we're all the same,

And we know that sometimes it all gets a little too much

I love the message of this song, and how it acknowledges the fact that life is hard, and it can get overwhelming, but it’s temporary and it will get better, which has proven true for me. Life does get better, and it does get easier. It’s okay to be afraid, but it’s never okay to give up. I have had instances where it has gotten extremely hard, and I have wanted to, or attempted to give up. But that is not the way to go, and life has improved a lot for me, and the fog has started to lift.

My therapist and I were talking about the negative phrases that go into my head. Things like, “you can’t do this”, or “you are so fat and so worthless.” We thought about these words and others for a while, and came up with a conclusion that I had never really thought of before, but I wanted to share it with you guys. Words are just words. They are made up of a bunch of random letters, and that’s all they are. These words should not determine major decisions such as eating or starving, living or dying, or anything else. 

I want to end this post by saying how thankful I am for such an awesome support system, because without you guys, I might not be here. 

Stay Strong!

First Day of School

Hi guys! I hope everyones’ week is going well. And I hope you all have your winter coats because the next few days are going to be freezing! I’m wishing for snow because I absolutely adore snow. Plus, I spent the first 6 years of my life living in Massachusetts where there is a lot of it!

So today was a pretty nerve-wrecking day for me, as it was my first day back at school since September which was when I would cut in the bathroom at school. After my treatment team realized that I was no longer safe at school, I was sent to inpatient and then was homebound until today. Luckily, most of my classes are online, and the only ones that I have at school are Creative Writing 2 and Art 4. At my school we have A B days and both of the classes are on the same day, 1st and 2nd period- so it makes things simple. 

I was really nervous because I didn't want the students to ask where I've been for so long, and I didn't know what to tell them. I was also nervous because I didn't know if I could handle the loud noises, and a large amount of people. At Timberline Knolls (my residential treatment facility), there were so many girls packed in one lodge, and we all were there for different problems, ranging from eating disorders, to anxiety disorders. With so many people with all sorts of issues, there were a lot of outbursts leading to many panic attacks. And that is why lots of people and loud noises get to me.

It went a lot better than I had anticipated, and I managed to get through it without engaging in any harmful behaviors. I had to use opposite action to force myself to get out of my bed and face my fear..and I did it! Hopefully from now on it will just get easier!

I want to end this post by saying a big thank you to all those out there who have reached out to me and told me that I am inspiring them. It means so much to me and keeps me going. I will attempt to post on Sunday, if the power doesn't go out, but until then, have a great rest of your week!

Stay Strong!

Highs and Lows

Hi guys.  Sorry that I haven't been able to post in a while, I haven't been in the best mindset to post anything. These last few days have been extremely hard for me. I have been in Washington, DC from Sunday to Tuesday. After terrible news that a friend of mine was killed, I was a total mess. My mom was heading off to DC for her work, and decided that since I am not actually going to school right now, I needed to get away from what was happening and take a mini vacation. 

Let me tell you, that was one of the best things I have done in a long time for myself. While my mom was at meetings, my aunt and I explored DC…and got lost a few times. We went to the American History Museum, visited Georgetown to get cupcakes from Georgetown Cupcakes. Looking back to March, I would not have touched a cupcake, because I labeled it as “bad”. But I will always remember something that my dietician told me: No food is bad, all food is good but in moderation. Anyways, all in all, it was much needed, and I had a good time. On one of our many walks through DC, I was trying to think of what I wanted to write about. Looking down, I saw the bracelets that were around my wrist. They are called Lokai Bracelets, which have elements that are from the highest and lowest points of the earth. The bracelets are supposed to represent the highest and lowest points in life. I believe that I have had a lot of high and low points in my life, and I wanted to write about them in my blog.

I have experienced three major deaths in my life, which have definitely been my lowest points. Also getting diagnosed with Anorexia, being told by doctors that my body was on its way to shutting down, severe depression, and having had more than one suicide attempt, I’d say that I have had my fair share of hard days. But-that does not mean that I haven’t had high points in life. Kicking anorexia’s butt, speaking at the Eating Disorders program, being accepted into my dream school, High Point University, going to DC, and getting to help other people going through the same things that I have, have all been major highs. I have thought about the meaning of my life, after the most recent death of my friend, and even though right now I don’t want to live in a world that can be so difficult, I want to live for my dad and friends, since they no longer can. My goal in life is to help and inspire other people, and I know that’s what they would want for me also. 

I want to end this post with a saying that a friend of mine sent to me the other day: “difficult roads often lead to beautiful destinations”. I hope this is true, because I think everyone deserves to reach a beautiful destination. Until then, I am going to keep moving forward no matter what life throws at me. Hopefully I will be posting again on Sunday, have a great week!
Stay Strong