My Mind

Hey guys,
So in this post, I was going to talk about being afraid and fear, because right now I have a lot of fears. I am afraid. But, I didn’t want to sit here telling you all to not be afraid when I can’t even do that myself these days. Instead, I want to talk about something a lot heavier and much more sinister.
In my blog posts, I try to be completely honest, no matter how tough it is. I don’t want to lie about myself and my life, telling you that everything is fine and recovery is great when it’s not.
As I mentioned in my last post, I recently got out of the hospital after another suicide attempt. I am not proud of it. I am not proud of the hurt I have caused others due to my actions. I am not proud of the tears I have created for others.
I have not talked about this at all in any of my blog posts, but I feel like now is a good time to do so. There is a reason behind my last suicide attempt. Since the spring, I have struggled greatly with both auditory and visual hallucinations. These hallucinations are terrifying, disturbing, and horrific. My treatment team is in the process of trying to figure out what is causing this, and right now, they have concluded that it is due to insomnia.
I apologize for not talking about this beforehand, but it causes a lot of tough emotions to talk about it, as it is a very fragile topic.
 I recently wrote a poem about this:
    My Mind
My mind is like a battlefield.
Thoughts shoot back and forth.
Voices cannonball into my head,
Knocking me to the ground with every blow.
I’m haunted by images that I can’t un-see.
My mind is my friend and my worst enemy.
Telling me lies,
“You aren’t worth it”
“Go kill yourself”
My mind is dark.
I don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel,
A tunnel full of my worst nightmares.
Nightmares that bring back the past.
I try to run.
I try to escape.
I try to scream.
But no one can hear me over the voices.
Voices which cause me to try and end it all.
But I can’t.
There is no way to get out of this terrible dream.
Or out of,
My mind.

I am trying to keep moving forwards, but it is tough when it is so dark sometimes.
I will write another post hopefully this week.
Stay strong.

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

Hey guys,

It has been a very long time since my last post, which I apologize for!

I think the last time I posted, I was in Europe. Europe was so amazing, and I hope to go back there as soon as I can.

I moved into school at High Point University on August 20^th. I was extremely excited, very nervous, and in disbelief that I was going to college, due to my past health issues. I met some amazing people there, and was having a great time. I ended up joining a club there, called To Write Love On Her Arms, which is based on an organization whose main goal is to help stop the silence and stigma that surrounds mental illness. Attending the first meeting of that was an eye opening experience for me. There were so many people there who were also interested in mental health, and people were dedicated to the organization. It was a step in the right direction for me to become a motivational speaker.

Like I said before, I loved High Point University. The people were great there, the faculty was caring, and the classes were pretty interesting. I was handling my eating disorder, and depression well, and I tried to stay as busy as possible. Unfortunately, things started going down hill on the weekend of the 3-4^th. I felt sad, irritated about the mental health system, and hopeless.

On September 5^th, I sat on my bed with a bottle of pills, and a note that said “I am so sorry.” Tears streamed down my face, and after taking the pills, I curled up on my bed and cried. I felt defeated. I felt worthless. I just wanted the pain to end. Ironically, the day of my suicide attempt was the first day of suicide prevention week.

I ended up being admitted to the hospital that day, and was in the emergency room and the cardiac unit, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. For the rest of the week I was in an inpatient Behavioral Health Unit.

You are probably wondering what triggered such a drastic move?

To be totally honest, I am not even sure myself. I have been known to be impulsive, and that was very impulsive. I can’t exactly pin point a reason as to why I did it. I was just done. I did a lot of reflecting while I was in the hospital this past week. I thought about why I wanted to end my life. I thought about my purpose in this world. I thought about what I wanted to do after I got discharged. I learned that the doctors and case workers in the behavioral health unit were terrible. They treated the place like a prison, and were not nice at all. One worker even told me that I would not be a good motional speaker. That really tore me apart, because that is my goal in life. I almost shoved my book down her throat, trying to prove to her that I am capable of changing people’s lives, but I didn’t do that, (I didn’t want to get in trouble and have to stay longer than I had to in the hell hole). Even though that comment was hurtful, it lit a spark in me. I want to show her that I can become a motivational speaker. I want to show her that I can do this. I want to prove to her that I am so much more than my mental illness.

Because of this hospitalization, my doctors and treatment team made the decision that I take the rest of the semester off at High Point, and return in January. Even though I am pretty upset about that, I know that it is the best option for me right now. While I am on medical leave, I will be hopefully volunteering at various facilities. I am trying to organize my own TWLOHA club in my area. Also, I am starting to work on my second book!

I want to end this post by telling everyone out there who has struggled or continue to struggle with mental illness, and have tried to take their own life, that it isn’t too late to change your perspective. I am currently trying to do that myself. Remember, stars can’t shine without darkness.

I will try and post sometime again this week, but in the meantime,

Stay Strong.

Long Time, No See

Hey guys!
Wow, I have not posted in so long. I am very sorry, I have been extremely busy these past few months! But things have died down for now, so hopefully I will be able to post more frequently! A lot has happened since the last time I posted-sorry in advance for the long post.
The first thing I would like to adress, is the book I mentioned in the last post that I was in the process of writing and getting published..it is now available for purchase! I will put the link down below to where you can buy it! All the proceeds will be donateed to the National Eating Disorders Foundation.  I am so incredibly happy for this accomplishment, because it has been a way to share my story with others, and I have had people contact me telling me just how much it has helped them in their own recovery, and how much it has moved them. Thank you to everyone out there who has helped me and supported me through all of this. My dreams are starting to come true!
Next up is graduation and college!! Yes, I successfully got through all the classes, both online and at my school, yes, it was hard and sometimes seemed impossible, but I did it! And, I managed to end up in the top quarter of my class! I am so happy that I finally have a break, where I can relax and wait for college to start! For those of you who don't know, I will be attending High Point University in the fall! It is my dream school, and I am extremely excited to go there..counting down the days till move in!! I have already met some amazing people that are attending HPU also, and I hope this year will be amazing.
A very very tough thing happened to me in the middle of June, probably the hardest thing I have ever been through. My sweet labrador Max, had to be put down. We got Max as a little 6 week old puppy, just a bowling ball full of fur. He was always wagging his tail, loved being around people, and was there to hug when you felt down in the dumps. He lived a long life- and passed away at 12 and a half years old. He was deteriorating, he lost his hearing, and could barely walk on his own due to major artheritis. He was in a lot of pain, and it was a tough decision to put him down, but we decided it was the best decision, because we didn't want him to be in pain. My aunt, my mom, and I all went to be with him during the procedure. My sisters stayed home, because it is a very tough thing to watch happen. When they were putting the medicine in, I started having a major panic attack and was hyperventalating and had to be taken out of the room because I could not breathe. I probably cried non stop for a good 14 hours. I miss him so much and there is not a single day that I don't think about him and wish he was here, but I also do not want him to be in pain. I managed to get through that very well though. I did not act on any negative behaviors, and I have had to use ALOT of radical acceptance.
Finally, I want to talk about my summer so far!
Currently, I am in France. My aunt, who is also my godmother, for my 16th birthday, invited me to travel Europe with her for 4 weeks. We decided that this year would be the best year to do that, so I packed my bags on July 1st, and we have traveled to France and Italy. It has been amazing and I have seen the most beautiful things here. I am a quarter French, and most of my dads' side of the family lives in Europe, including my aunt, who lives in Paris. It was great visiting family, and I have fallen in love with Paris. This is not the first time that I have been in Europe, but this is a trip to remember. The trip has had its ups and downs (mostly ups though!) The "downs" usually stemmed from too many people in one area, which gives me major anxiety. In those situations, I suggest taking deep breaths, because it really does help. Also, I have now brought up the courage to wear bathing suits! That was a big step for me, because I have not felt comfortable in my body for a long time, but I finally have not only accepted the way I look, but I am starting to learn to love myself and my body, and to be respectful to it. To all those people out there who feel uncomfortable with the way they look, it is possible to get to the point of being able to look in the mirror and smile..not cry, and not by starving yourself or by using harmful behaviors either. It takes time, but it is possible. People need to be comfortable and happy with themselves.
Thank you so much to everyone for their support.
Stay Strong!

Link to my book:
https://www.amazon.com/Stay-Strong-Isabel-Whitcomb/dp/1533134960/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=

Freshman Orientation

Hey guys!

I am very very very sorry for not having posted in such a long time! Things have just been pretty  busy, and I haven’t been able to find the time. I have been swamped with my online civics and english class, therapy, and school. Not going to lie, it has been very stressful, but I am trying to get through it…so I can graduate, and go to my dream school in August- High Point University!

So I just got back from a one and a half day orientation for the college I am attending in the fall. I fell in love with this college the first time I laid my eyes on it. It is a gorgeous campus, with all sorts of things ranging from fountains, to pools and hot tubs, to classical music that is played around campus. So yesterday, my mom and I made the 1 hour trip up to the school, for the orientation. I was really nervous, because I didn't really know anyone that was going to be there,   and I get a lot of anxiety with many people and loud noises, which both were present throughout my visit there. I guess a lot of the anxiety started when I was in a residential facility, and there were many loud outbursts with a lot of chaos. I managed to get through that obstacle, by using some skills. Taking deep breaths, and stepping away from the crowd for even just a minute, can really help calm the nerves of everything. I like to imagine myself in a place where I feel very happy at, which is at a cabin in California.

The two days (Friday and today) consisted of the following activities:

Friday:

12:30-1:30- check in and passport photo

1:45-2:25- orientation to your major (my major is psychology)

2:35-3:15- student service fair

3:30-4:45- welcome and introduction to the HPU education

5-5:55- small group activities (icebreakers)

6-6:55- dinner

7-8: connecting with my class (more icebreakers…yay)

Saturday:

8-9:30- breakfast

9-10:20- group meeting with success coaches

10:30-11:50- Student 101: preparing for your success in college

There were some optional activities afterwards, including things like campus tours.

After the orientation, I stuck around campus for about an hour to hang out with a friend who is currently attending High Point. She has helped me immensely in the past few months, as she understands a lot of what I have been through. I can’t thank her enough for all that she has done for me. Overall, the orientation was pretty fun, but it was also a little overwhelming. I met so many people, I got to know a lot more about the campus and student life, I found out where I will be living, and I found out my schedule for the fall. I am very excited, and as I look back on the past year, I would have never thought that I would be going to college or frankly, even being here in general. It has been a long and tough journey, but I have been given some amazing opportunities because of it. I am currently writing a memoir, which will be published sometime in May, which is really exciting and something I am proud of!

I hope you have a great rest of your weekend, and I will hopefully post again soon!

Stay strong!

Happy to Be Alive

Hey guys!

Wow, it has been a very long time since I posted last. I have been extremely busy with school, and it has gotten pretty overwhelming. So far, my biggest stressor is in my online Civics class, and I have been really struggling with it and understanding the material.

Other than that, things have been going really well. I have been in a very good mood, and I have been trying to enjoy life as much as possible. I am finally feeling like a normal person, doing normal things like hanging out with friends, spending time with my family, getting back into exercise and doing things that I enjoy. I still have ups and downs, but I am using my DBT skills to cope with those things (flashbacks, eating disorder). Basically, I am trying to live my life to the fullest-because I am very happy to be alive! We all know how much I love to incorporate songs into my blog. The song that I have been listening to a lot recently is “I Lived” by OneRepublic. I believe that this song means that you should actually live, rather than just breathe. Do something spontaneous! Go on an adventure! Try out a new hobby! Life is what you make it, so you should make it great, because you only live once. I feel like I am finally starting to do that with my life. Being close to death with an eating disorder, and having a suicidal past, and now having a healthy mindset has caused me to see things more clearly. I am beyond grateful to be breathing, and I am going to do what I can to make my life as meaningful and memorable as possible.

Lastly, I just wanted to say a huge thank you to all you who are reading my blog, commenting, and showing support! Without you all I may not be able to say that I am happy to be alive. I am amazed by each and everyone of you, and I wanted to share some news: I reached 5,000 views on my blog! Thank you so so much.

Stay Strong!

What Not to Do

Hey guys! I’m so sorry I haven’t posted anything in a while, I have been really busy with schoolwork and therapy appointments. I guess it’s good for me to stay busy, especially when I am feeling upset. It’s a good way to distract yourself, and it's more productive than sitting there in your thoughts.

So today I want to talk about something that has had a major impact on how I chose to carry myself back when I was engulfed in my anorexia. I had been showing symptoms of anorexia since I was about 10 or 11 years old. I didn't know that I was doing anything eating disorder related then, but it was mostly over-exercising due to a competitive jump rope team that I was on. I had a regular school physical last February, and that's when things kind of escalated. This was both due to the way the doctors reacted when they found out my weight, and how I reacted afterwards. 

Due to depression from a friend's death, I stopped eating. When the doctors pulled up my weight chart on the computer, their mouths dropped to the floor. They told me that if I didn't gain X amount of weight in 2 weeks, my organs were going to start failing. We were all freaking out at that point. Then the whole conversation focused on me gaining weight (not something I would advise doctors to do, especially if they are diagnosing a patient with an eating disorder). They then decided that they would switch my medications, to something which they told me had a side effect of weight gain (again, not something I  recommend telling someone). I was mortified, and when I got home I started to google the new medication, and ran into my mom's room crying because I had read an unreliable article talking about the side effects of the medicine (also, not recommended). For the next couple of months, my whole life was weight related. I had weekly weigh ins, and they would let me see the number on the scale (big mistake). Now, I refuse to look at my weight, and we don’t have a scale at home anymore. 

So the purpose of this post is to inform people, from my personal experiences, about what not to do for both healthcare professionals and patients. If you are someone who has been recently diagnosed with an eating disorder, and you have urges to make impulsive decisions, you need to take a step back, and realize that people are there to help, not hurt. To the health care professionals: there is more to an eating disorder than the physical aspects of it. It affects you mentally, and that should be taken into consideration when you are giving a diagnosis.

I hope everyone has a great week, and I will hopefully post on Sunday!

Stay Strong 

Strong

Hi guys! 

I’m sorry I haven’t posted in a while, I have just been super busy with school. I am currently taking 4 online classes, and 2 classes at school, so it has been a little overwhelming for me. I am sure to a lot of people it seems silly that I am complaining about the two classes I take at school, (creative writing and art). It’s just hard to face a whole bunch of people all at once, and to think back to the bad memories I have had at school due to my depression. Friday was especially hard for me, because I had a tough time dealing with a death. But with some radical acceptance, and opposite action for getting up, I was able to face the day and move forwards. It wasn't so bad after all, and I am glad I went in the end.

So I believe I have mentioned this before, but my main goal in life is to help as many people/ inspire as many people as possible. I have already spoken once to my Partial Hospitalization Program (PHP), for Eating Disorders. I really enjoyed doing that, because it’s a step towards my dream, which is to become a motivational speaker. I was talking to my therapist recently, and she asked if I would be interested in speaking to the program again. I said yes, and we are now in the process of filling out some paperwork to make it happen!

Having an eating disorder is very hard. You basically have your own personal bully that follows you around everywhere you go, calling you all sorts of names. It beat me to the point where I started to self harm, I questioned my life, and attempted suicide-more than once. But I am done letting my anorexia ruin my life. I wrote this poem the other day:

I Am Strong

Get out of my life.

Your words broke me.

You were the source of the cuts on my arms,

Of the bottle of pills held in my hands,

You beat me so badly, 

Calling me names,

Yet I have believed them.

Thinner and thinner I got, 

I followed your rules.

You used to control me.

I sat there, 

Salty tears fell from my sunken eyes.

I’ve had enough of you.

I have anorexia but I am not weak,

I am not a slave to my disorder.

So get out of my life, 

For I am done listening to you.

I am going to stand up for myself.

I’m the one calling the shots.

No longer will I hate myself so much.

Get out of my life,

For I may have anorexia,

But I am a survivor,

And I am strong.

The message I want to portray through this post, is that your eating disorder DOES NOT control you. I may have anorexia, but I am strong- and so are you.

Stay strong