My Mind

Hey guys,
So in this post, I was going to talk about being afraid and fear, because right now I have a lot of fears. I am afraid. But, I didn’t want to sit here telling you all to not be afraid when I can’t even do that myself these days. Instead, I want to talk about something a lot heavier and much more sinister.
In my blog posts, I try to be completely honest, no matter how tough it is. I don’t want to lie about myself and my life, telling you that everything is fine and recovery is great when it’s not.
As I mentioned in my last post, I recently got out of the hospital after another suicide attempt. I am not proud of it. I am not proud of the hurt I have caused others due to my actions. I am not proud of the tears I have created for others.
I have not talked about this at all in any of my blog posts, but I feel like now is a good time to do so. There is a reason behind my last suicide attempt. Since the spring, I have struggled greatly with both auditory and visual hallucinations. These hallucinations are terrifying, disturbing, and horrific. My treatment team is in the process of trying to figure out what is causing this, and right now, they have concluded that it is due to insomnia.
I apologize for not talking about this beforehand, but it causes a lot of tough emotions to talk about it, as it is a very fragile topic.
 I recently wrote a poem about this:
    My Mind
My mind is like a battlefield.
Thoughts shoot back and forth.
Voices cannonball into my head,
Knocking me to the ground with every blow.
I’m haunted by images that I can’t un-see.
My mind is my friend and my worst enemy.
Telling me lies,
“You aren’t worth it”
“Go kill yourself”
My mind is dark.
I don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel,
A tunnel full of my worst nightmares.
Nightmares that bring back the past.
I try to run.
I try to escape.
I try to scream.
But no one can hear me over the voices.
Voices which cause me to try and end it all.
But I can’t.
There is no way to get out of this terrible dream.
Or out of,
My mind.

I am trying to keep moving forwards, but it is tough when it is so dark sometimes.
I will write another post hopefully this week.
Stay strong.