Just Words

Hi! I hope every one is enjoying the snow, or at least a day off from school/work! I spent it hanging out with friends, hiking, and building an igloo! I also worked on my online classes, and listened to music. You all know how much I love making references to songs, and a friend told me about another one the other day.

The song is called A Little Too Much by Sean Mendes. Not only do I think he is really cute, but I love this song. Sean sings about a girl who struggles, but manages to get through it and stay strong. Here are some lyrics from the song that I really like:

She would not show that she was afraid,

But being and feeling alone was too much to face,

Though everyone said that she was so strong,

What they didn't know is that she could barely carry on,

But she knew that she would be okay,

So she didn't let it get in her way,

Sometimes it all gets a little too much,

But you gotta realize that soon the fog will clear up,

And you don't have to be afraid, because we're all the same,

And we know that sometimes it all gets a little too much

I love the message of this song, and how it acknowledges the fact that life is hard, and it can get overwhelming, but it’s temporary and it will get better, which has proven true for me. Life does get better, and it does get easier. It’s okay to be afraid, but it’s never okay to give up. I have had instances where it has gotten extremely hard, and I have wanted to, or attempted to give up. But that is not the way to go, and life has improved a lot for me, and the fog has started to lift.

My therapist and I were talking about the negative phrases that go into my head. Things like, “you can’t do this”, or “you are so fat and so worthless.” We thought about these words and others for a while, and came up with a conclusion that I had never really thought of before, but I wanted to share it with you guys. Words are just words. They are made up of a bunch of random letters, and that’s all they are. These words should not determine major decisions such as eating or starving, living or dying, or anything else. 

I want to end this post by saying how thankful I am for such an awesome support system, because without you guys, I might not be here. 

Stay Strong!

First Day of School

Hi guys! I hope everyones’ week is going well. And I hope you all have your winter coats because the next few days are going to be freezing! I’m wishing for snow because I absolutely adore snow. Plus, I spent the first 6 years of my life living in Massachusetts where there is a lot of it!

So today was a pretty nerve-wrecking day for me, as it was my first day back at school since September which was when I would cut in the bathroom at school. After my treatment team realized that I was no longer safe at school, I was sent to inpatient and then was homebound until today. Luckily, most of my classes are online, and the only ones that I have at school are Creative Writing 2 and Art 4. At my school we have A B days and both of the classes are on the same day, 1st and 2nd period- so it makes things simple. 

I was really nervous because I didn't want the students to ask where I've been for so long, and I didn't know what to tell them. I was also nervous because I didn't know if I could handle the loud noises, and a large amount of people. At Timberline Knolls (my residential treatment facility), there were so many girls packed in one lodge, and we all were there for different problems, ranging from eating disorders, to anxiety disorders. With so many people with all sorts of issues, there were a lot of outbursts leading to many panic attacks. And that is why lots of people and loud noises get to me.

It went a lot better than I had anticipated, and I managed to get through it without engaging in any harmful behaviors. I had to use opposite action to force myself to get out of my bed and face my fear..and I did it! Hopefully from now on it will just get easier!

I want to end this post by saying a big thank you to all those out there who have reached out to me and told me that I am inspiring them. It means so much to me and keeps me going. I will attempt to post on Sunday, if the power doesn't go out, but until then, have a great rest of your week!

Stay Strong!

Highs and Lows

Hi guys.  Sorry that I haven't been able to post in a while, I haven't been in the best mindset to post anything. These last few days have been extremely hard for me. I have been in Washington, DC from Sunday to Tuesday. After terrible news that a friend of mine was killed, I was a total mess. My mom was heading off to DC for her work, and decided that since I am not actually going to school right now, I needed to get away from what was happening and take a mini vacation. 

Let me tell you, that was one of the best things I have done in a long time for myself. While my mom was at meetings, my aunt and I explored DC…and got lost a few times. We went to the American History Museum, visited Georgetown to get cupcakes from Georgetown Cupcakes. Looking back to March, I would not have touched a cupcake, because I labeled it as “bad”. But I will always remember something that my dietician told me: No food is bad, all food is good but in moderation. Anyways, all in all, it was much needed, and I had a good time. On one of our many walks through DC, I was trying to think of what I wanted to write about. Looking down, I saw the bracelets that were around my wrist. They are called Lokai Bracelets, which have elements that are from the highest and lowest points of the earth. The bracelets are supposed to represent the highest and lowest points in life. I believe that I have had a lot of high and low points in my life, and I wanted to write about them in my blog.

I have experienced three major deaths in my life, which have definitely been my lowest points. Also getting diagnosed with Anorexia, being told by doctors that my body was on its way to shutting down, severe depression, and having had more than one suicide attempt, I’d say that I have had my fair share of hard days. But-that does not mean that I haven’t had high points in life. Kicking anorexia’s butt, speaking at the Eating Disorders program, being accepted into my dream school, High Point University, going to DC, and getting to help other people going through the same things that I have, have all been major highs. I have thought about the meaning of my life, after the most recent death of my friend, and even though right now I don’t want to live in a world that can be so difficult, I want to live for my dad and friends, since they no longer can. My goal in life is to help and inspire other people, and I know that’s what they would want for me also. 

I want to end this post with a saying that a friend of mine sent to me the other day: “difficult roads often lead to beautiful destinations”. I hope this is true, because I think everyone deserves to reach a beautiful destination. Until then, I am going to keep moving forward no matter what life throws at me. Hopefully I will be posting again on Sunday, have a great week!
Stay Strong