My Mind

Hey guys,
So in this post, I was going to talk about being afraid and fear, because right now I have a lot of fears. I am afraid. But, I didn’t want to sit here telling you all to not be afraid when I can’t even do that myself these days. Instead, I want to talk about something a lot heavier and much more sinister.
In my blog posts, I try to be completely honest, no matter how tough it is. I don’t want to lie about myself and my life, telling you that everything is fine and recovery is great when it’s not.
As I mentioned in my last post, I recently got out of the hospital after another suicide attempt. I am not proud of it. I am not proud of the hurt I have caused others due to my actions. I am not proud of the tears I have created for others.
I have not talked about this at all in any of my blog posts, but I feel like now is a good time to do so. There is a reason behind my last suicide attempt. Since the spring, I have struggled greatly with both auditory and visual hallucinations. These hallucinations are terrifying, disturbing, and horrific. My treatment team is in the process of trying to figure out what is causing this, and right now, they have concluded that it is due to insomnia.
I apologize for not talking about this beforehand, but it causes a lot of tough emotions to talk about it, as it is a very fragile topic.
 I recently wrote a poem about this:
    My Mind
My mind is like a battlefield.
Thoughts shoot back and forth.
Voices cannonball into my head,
Knocking me to the ground with every blow.
I’m haunted by images that I can’t un-see.
My mind is my friend and my worst enemy.
Telling me lies,
“You aren’t worth it”
“Go kill yourself”
My mind is dark.
I don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel,
A tunnel full of my worst nightmares.
Nightmares that bring back the past.
I try to run.
I try to escape.
I try to scream.
But no one can hear me over the voices.
Voices which cause me to try and end it all.
But I can’t.
There is no way to get out of this terrible dream.
Or out of,
My mind.

I am trying to keep moving forwards, but it is tough when it is so dark sometimes.
I will write another post hopefully this week.
Stay strong.

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

Hey guys,

It has been a very long time since my last post, which I apologize for!

I think the last time I posted, I was in Europe. Europe was so amazing, and I hope to go back there as soon as I can.

I moved into school at High Point University on August 20^th. I was extremely excited, very nervous, and in disbelief that I was going to college, due to my past health issues. I met some amazing people there, and was having a great time. I ended up joining a club there, called To Write Love On Her Arms, which is based on an organization whose main goal is to help stop the silence and stigma that surrounds mental illness. Attending the first meeting of that was an eye opening experience for me. There were so many people there who were also interested in mental health, and people were dedicated to the organization. It was a step in the right direction for me to become a motivational speaker.

Like I said before, I loved High Point University. The people were great there, the faculty was caring, and the classes were pretty interesting. I was handling my eating disorder, and depression well, and I tried to stay as busy as possible. Unfortunately, things started going down hill on the weekend of the 3-4^th. I felt sad, irritated about the mental health system, and hopeless.

On September 5^th, I sat on my bed with a bottle of pills, and a note that said “I am so sorry.” Tears streamed down my face, and after taking the pills, I curled up on my bed and cried. I felt defeated. I felt worthless. I just wanted the pain to end. Ironically, the day of my suicide attempt was the first day of suicide prevention week.

I ended up being admitted to the hospital that day, and was in the emergency room and the cardiac unit, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. For the rest of the week I was in an inpatient Behavioral Health Unit.

You are probably wondering what triggered such a drastic move?

To be totally honest, I am not even sure myself. I have been known to be impulsive, and that was very impulsive. I can’t exactly pin point a reason as to why I did it. I was just done. I did a lot of reflecting while I was in the hospital this past week. I thought about why I wanted to end my life. I thought about my purpose in this world. I thought about what I wanted to do after I got discharged. I learned that the doctors and case workers in the behavioral health unit were terrible. They treated the place like a prison, and were not nice at all. One worker even told me that I would not be a good motional speaker. That really tore me apart, because that is my goal in life. I almost shoved my book down her throat, trying to prove to her that I am capable of changing people’s lives, but I didn’t do that, (I didn’t want to get in trouble and have to stay longer than I had to in the hell hole). Even though that comment was hurtful, it lit a spark in me. I want to show her that I can become a motivational speaker. I want to show her that I can do this. I want to prove to her that I am so much more than my mental illness.

Because of this hospitalization, my doctors and treatment team made the decision that I take the rest of the semester off at High Point, and return in January. Even though I am pretty upset about that, I know that it is the best option for me right now. While I am on medical leave, I will be hopefully volunteering at various facilities. I am trying to organize my own TWLOHA club in my area. Also, I am starting to work on my second book!

I want to end this post by telling everyone out there who has struggled or continue to struggle with mental illness, and have tried to take their own life, that it isn’t too late to change your perspective. I am currently trying to do that myself. Remember, stars can’t shine without darkness.

I will try and post sometime again this week, but in the meantime,

Stay Strong.