Perseverance

Hey everyone! First I want to say a big thanks to all those who are supporting my blog, you all mean a lot to me! And to those who are reading it! I just want more people to know about mental illnesses, so the stigma of it can be stopped. 

Anyways, my week was over all alright. I worked on some art work that was due for my art class, hung out with my friends, and got back into running. I love to run, but I had to stop after being diagnosed with anorexia. So it’s been a while, but I finally started at it again, and I have found that it has been a really great way to clear my mind. I’m planning on running a half marathon in April. I’m still going strong with 106 days clean of any eating disorder behaviors. Although I've been pushing through, my anorexia has called me a lot of names recently. I try and tell it to shut up, and say none of it is true, and I try my best to just keep going. I am currently reading a book called “Life Without Ed” which is about a woman’s struggle with her eating disorder. She personifies her ED, naming it “Ed.” I started reading it in my last hospital stay, and let me tell you, I thought it was a little weird at first. I normally don’t think of my anorexia as a person, but even if you don’t, the whole idea is to separate yourself from your eating disorder, because trust me, you are not your eating disorder. 

There has been something that I have been thinking about a lot recently. I sometimes feel worried about having bad days because I don't want to disappoint anyone, and after all my various treatments, I feel like every one expects me to be A-ok. When people tell me I inspire them, they look up to me, or I am so strong, it makes me think that I shouldn't have the right to feel anything besides happiness. But to be honest, I have bad days. Sometimes I can’t look in the mirror. Sometimes I want to restrict. Sometimes I have urges to cut. Sometimes I want to give up. But I am trying. I am trying to keep going and I will not go down without a fight. 

To a more exciting subject, my therapist asked me to speak to the patients at my old partial hospitalization program. I was there from March 10th, to April 20th. It went amazingly, and my therapist wants me to do it on a regular basis. Talking made me realize what I want to do with the rest of my life. I want to help others, and be a support to all those fighting mental illnesses. I believe that everything happens for a reason, and even though some of what has happened to me sucked, it has made me a stronger, more mature young lady. Thank you to all those who have been with me through this whole journey, (you know who you are) and have helped me realize that life is so much more than the struggles that you face.

I hope everyone has a wonderful week!

BTW I will be posting every sunday:)