Perseverance

Hey everyone! First I want to say a big thanks to all those who are supporting my blog, you all mean a lot to me! And to those who are reading it! I just want more people to know about mental illnesses, so the stigma of it can be stopped. 

Anyways, my week was over all alright. I worked on some art work that was due for my art class, hung out with my friends, and got back into running. I love to run, but I had to stop after being diagnosed with anorexia. So it’s been a while, but I finally started at it again, and I have found that it has been a really great way to clear my mind. I’m planning on running a half marathon in April. I’m still going strong with 106 days clean of any eating disorder behaviors. Although I've been pushing through, my anorexia has called me a lot of names recently. I try and tell it to shut up, and say none of it is true, and I try my best to just keep going. I am currently reading a book called “Life Without Ed” which is about a woman’s struggle with her eating disorder. She personifies her ED, naming it “Ed.” I started reading it in my last hospital stay, and let me tell you, I thought it was a little weird at first. I normally don’t think of my anorexia as a person, but even if you don’t, the whole idea is to separate yourself from your eating disorder, because trust me, you are not your eating disorder. 

There has been something that I have been thinking about a lot recently. I sometimes feel worried about having bad days because I don't want to disappoint anyone, and after all my various treatments, I feel like every one expects me to be A-ok. When people tell me I inspire them, they look up to me, or I am so strong, it makes me think that I shouldn't have the right to feel anything besides happiness. But to be honest, I have bad days. Sometimes I can’t look in the mirror. Sometimes I want to restrict. Sometimes I have urges to cut. Sometimes I want to give up. But I am trying. I am trying to keep going and I will not go down without a fight. 

To a more exciting subject, my therapist asked me to speak to the patients at my old partial hospitalization program. I was there from March 10th, to April 20th. It went amazingly, and my therapist wants me to do it on a regular basis. Talking made me realize what I want to do with the rest of my life. I want to help others, and be a support to all those fighting mental illnesses. I believe that everything happens for a reason, and even though some of what has happened to me sucked, it has made me a stronger, more mature young lady. Thank you to all those who have been with me through this whole journey, (you know who you are) and have helped me realize that life is so much more than the struggles that you face.

I hope everyone has a wonderful week!

BTW I will be posting every sunday:)

100 Days

This is my first blog and blog post ever, so let's see how this goes. Back in the spring, I was diagnosed with anorexia. After various treatments from partial programs to inpatients, I was admitted into Timberline Knolls, a residential treatment facility in Illinois. I was there for a total of 7 weeks, and it was one of the hardest things I have ever been through, not to mention the 797 miles between me, my family and friends. Even though I struggled a lot there, and was sent to inpatient more than once, there was one thing that gave me a sense of hope.
Every morning at TK, we would have a community meeting, (all of the lodge and staff would talk about community issues, people who were leaving, fun facts, and announcements, on a big white board.) One of the things we did, which has helped me move forward is our sobriety. On the white board was all of the residents names, with different behaviors that we were trying to stop. By my name, was self harm, suicidal ideations, and eating disorder. All the girls would go around asking our community leaders to add a certain amount of days to their name. If they had done the behavior, they would have to go back to zero and start all over.
I eventually got discharged from TK, and even though sometimes its hard to remember and stick with what I learned there on my bad days, one thing that my family and I do is the sobriety. We have our own whiteboard sitting on the kitchen counter, with our names written on it and behaviors like procrastinating, judging others, and of course, the same ones from TK.  Even though sometimes my family will forget about updating their numbers, I do mine everyday. On Monday, I hit my 100th day free from any eating disorder behaviors. I was very excited (that was an understatement) and constantly bombarded my family and friends with the reminder "Guess what day tomorrow is?!" or "OMG its my 100th day!!" I'm pretty sure my mom heard that statement a billion times, but I didn't care, because for once, I was finally proud of myself.
I celebrated that day with my family, and my sister even made a cake. Texts rolled in from various friends congratulating me. I felt  like i had accomplished something in my life, and I knew that I was kicking anorexia's butt. To say the least, it was a day I will never forget.