Last night I had a dream about Isabel. It was one of those dreams you don't even remember when you first wake up but then a few hours later, someone says something and suddenly the whole dream comes back to you. I was sitting in my music class this morning and our class was playing djembes (picture what you think a classic bongo drum looks like and you're probably actually picturing a djembe…I was only just educated about this on Tuesday). My professor usually says a set of words and we play the beat back to her. The phrase she said was “So much to remember.” As soon as she said those words something clicked in my head and the dream I had last night came flooding back into my mind. In my dream, Isabel never actually died. She recovered and we were just living our lives as though nothing had happened. I woke up from this dream heartbroken after realizing that that’s all it was, a dream. Dreaming about Isabel is hard. Dreams give me an opportunity to see her and I cherish that always. I often finding myself wanting to be asleep just to have the chance to see her for a little while. But waking from these dreams rips me from those moments and like I did today, I often wake up from a dream with Isabel in it and am in a daze for the rest of the day, longing for a life that Isabel is actually a part of.
Sometimes I feel myself conflicted in wanting to talk about Isabel. I get really stuck on the fact that I have to talk about who she was, not who she is now. But there is also something really special about talking about my sister to people who didn't know her. There are several people in my life now that I really wish Isabel could have gotten to know. And at the same time, I truly believe all of those people would be so positively affected by having her in their lives. I remember talking to someone a couple of days after Isabel passed and she asked me to tell her a good memory I had of her. In that moment I did what most people do when someone asks you what your favorite movie is and you suddenly forget every movie ever made. I couldn't think of a single memory of her. Maybe it was because I was sad and couldn't think straight or it could have just been my terrible memory failing me once again, but I’d like to think it was because I have so many amazing memories of Isabel and wanted to choose the best one to accurately depict her and who she was. As time has passed I have been reminded by many people of memories of Isabel and of qualities about her that truly made her who she was. All of those things that I have always loved about her are still here with me - I wish she was still here, with all of her quirky traits. But I am here and although Isabel is not, I feel honored to be able to keep the memories of my beautiful sister alive.
My family and I are starting to compile our favorite memories or favorite things about Isabel. We are all so grateful to have been such a big part of her short life and as I said before, I love being able to share memories of Isabel with others. I know there are tons of memories and stories of her from times that my family or I wasn't with her, so we ask that if anyone has any good memories of Isabel to please email them to me at whitcombga@appstate.edu or post them on my Facebook. We welcome all memories and are excited to learn more about Isabel through the experiences of others that were lucky enough to know her.
Here are some of my favorite Isabel memories.
Isabel loved having photo shoots for profile pictures on Facebook. Annie would take the best ones by having her smile. If the photos looked too forced, Annie would make her laugh which would cause the pics to come out genuine and the way we got to see them on Facebook.
She thought most foods were spicy even though they weren’t. She didn’t use the word correctly – ever.
She loved Christmas and would watch all the Christmas movies on Netflix no matter how cheesy. We had to listen to Christmas music in the car starting in early October.
She always claimed she didn't like kids and wasn't going to have any herself, but she could make any kid laugh and they always loved her the most.
She came up with the wildest names for her “future sons”, Dax and Jax
She was a terrible dancer and we would always tell her to stop when she would start dancing, although I would pay to see her dance again.
She would never eat her cereal with milk, literally ever since she was in the 1st grade. She thought it was gross and soggy.
One time she was eating toast with nutella in France outside in the garden and she was being chased by bees and still wouldnt put the toast down
She made my mom the best cards for Mother’s Day, birthday and Valentine’s Day.
She drew the best cartoons and had the funniest characters.
She got the giggles so hard especially when we went to get our eyebrows waxed.
She loved to get her ears pierced but they would always take her earrings away from her when she was admitted to the hospital. After this happened a few times, she started returning home with an ear full of new piercings, along with the stories of who/how they were able to pierce their own ears without any nurses finding out.
As the marking of a year since Isabel’s death begins to creep up, I find myself often overwhelmed with how much it still feels like she only left us yesterday. I find myself discouraged, feeling like I'm drowning in this pain that often seems to be growing stronger. But as these days pass and I've had to make new memories without Isabel, I find comfort in thinking about the moments that did include her. I’d like to think that the phrase from my music class “so much to remember” made me think of my dream last night to remind me there’s so much good to remember about Isabel.
