1-800-273-8255

One of the hardest things that I have had to deal with since Isabel died is the feeling of “I wish you were here so we could experience this together”. These moments happen every single day, when I’m sitting on the couch watching The Office, when I’m riding my bike on the Tobacco Trail, when I’m walking down the hallway and just want to peep my head into Isabel’s room and see her chilling on her bed. When something good happens, when something bad happens, when something funny happens. No matter what, it’s always “I wish Isabel were here too.” 
One thing that reminds me a lot of her are songs with messages. Isabel really loved music. She loved songs that had meaning, ones that she could connect with, that spoke to her. In some of her past blogposts, she referred to songs that were important to her because she found comfort and strength in the words. So when I heard this song, 1-800-273-8255 by Logic, I immediately thought of Isabel. I’m not a great summarizer so I encourage you to just listen to the song but I will try to give a little explanation if you really don’t plan on listening. The song title is the phone number of the suicide hotline and the song starts out with Logic singing to the suicide hotline about how he wants to die, how he can’t keep going, that his life doesn’t even matter. The song then transitions into the “operator" telling him that he doesn’t have to die. That these feelings will pass and things will get better. Then by the end Logic realizes this is true and he sings that he doesn’t want to die, he finally wants to be alive (again just listen to the song it’s better than this explanation). When I heard this song I wanted Isabel to be here so badly. The thing I regret most is not telling Isabel more. I should’ve told her all the time that I loved her, that things would get better, that I really knew how hard things can be but that she was strong and that I truly believed she could make it, but I didn’t say it enough. And when I heard this song, it was hard because it is a song of what I should’ve said. One of my favorite parts of the song is Alessia Cara’s verse.

It’s the very first breath

When your head’s been drowning underwater

And the lightness in the air

When you’re there

Chest to chest with a lover

It’s holding on, though the road’s long

And seeing light in the darkest things

And when you stare at your reflection

Finally knowing who it is 

I know you’ll thank God you did

This is the part I would’ve played on repeat for Isabel. It's saying that yes things are so hard now but it won’t be like this forever. Things will get better and it will be worth it. Since Isabel isn’t here anymore and I can not dwell on the things I should’ve said to her, I am sharing this song first of all because I believe Isabel would’ve enjoyed it and maybe even posted it in one of her own blog posts, but also in hopes that maybe someone else will find some peace in the lyrics. Remember that you do not have to die, and most importantly that you need to Stay Strong.